The original 1974 film is one of the earliest Slasher movies. It’s influence can be felt in other classics such as John Carpenter’s “Halloween” & Wes Craven’s “Scream”. It had smart writing, a tense atmosphere, and one of the most ominous endings from the genre. In 2006, the first remake came out and it was decidedly not as good as the original. It wasn’t scary, smart, or subtle. But it was unapologetically sleazy and had some solid gore. So if you were looking for a version that had that, this would certainly entertain. The reason I’m informing you about these other films is to help illustrate how Blumhouse’s remake has no redeeming qualities.

Right off the bat, the PG-13 rating needs to be addressed. I’m a big fan of Horror and I will be one of the first to tell you that a film doesn’t have to be rated R to be good. But you need to know how to utilize it with the right sub-genre. Supernatural Horror films rely more on unsettling imagery which doesn’t have to be drenched in blood or gore. Psychological Horror films force us to watch the mental torture of a character without having to be graphic. But Slasher films are famous for how much blood and violence they have. Even if you were to watch one of the most standard by the numbers Slasher film, there’s a good chance you can still find enjoyment in the kill scenes. But with this version of “Black Christmas” having a PG-13 rating, the kills have no bite/impact.

But to be clear, that is the least of this movie’s problems. It’s clear that the primary focus while making this movie was to have social commentary. Badly written and executed commentary. Thereby leaving us with a bizarre story with dull characters that have no personality. I don’t even remember any of their names. Also, there are a few characters that we are supposed to root for that I don’t even like. One of the main characters has active social causes to pursue. Such as starting a petition to get one of the college professors fired. She pushes one of her friends to do a talent show performance purposefully meant to get a reaction from the fraternity members hosting the show. One of them being the guy who sexually assaulted our main lead, Riley. But then Riley’s friend posts their performance online without consent from any of her friends, which has lead to them being harassed online or getting threatening calls. Why am I supposed to root for her when she does something like that?

The dialogue of this movie is also a huge concern. We get a few different conversations/arguments regarding sexism in society and in institutions, which is what you would expect going into this film based on the trailer. But everything they say are just surface level statements and buzz words. When they do get into arguments, they don’t go into any deep discussion. It’s just phrases you could pull from a similar argument from any social media site. But let’s put the social commentary aside. There are several scenes where we get huge exposition dumps that have to explain everything that is going on. In a manner that insults the intelligence of the viewer, as if we can’t follow along and make connections ourselves. And several points in these exposition dumps make you wonder how even the person explaining the movie has come to those conclusions for parts that didn’t witness themselves.

And then there’s the climax. It starts off with the main lead, Riley, being kidnapped and brought forth a secret society made up of the fraternity and lead by the college professor her friend was trying to get fired. In another exposition dump, it is established how the founder of the school apparently knew how to do Black Magic and enchanted his bust to have future followers of his beliefs to be possessed by his spirit. Actually scratch that – since it’s black goo the movie clearly is showing it’s supposed to be a stand-in for toxic masculinity. And of course the leader of this society goes into more detail about how they plan to “put women back into their place” and establish man’s rightful place once again.

This…this is the part of the film where everyone should be insulted. For the average movie watcher, this plot and the commentary is so painfully obvious and ham fisted, the only way they can enjoy it is a “so bad it’s good” film. But it is also an insult for anyone who has seen the original “Black Christmas”. The original movie included a plot of how one of the character’s was pregnant and how her boyfriend who wanted to drop out and marry her becomes angry she doesn’t want to do that. That subplot was integrated into the other mysterious happenings that made it seem like that person was the killer until the climax when it was confirmed he wasn’t. The way that movie approached that topic and wrote it is a great way of showing how a Horror movie can be smart. This film has no room for subtlety or nuance as it devolves into this big action fight scene. And it ending with the girls locking all the guys in the burning building as Riley looks at it and smiles. Except…during that climax, we saw that when some guys broke free from the supernatural influence, they didn’t have any idea what was going on. Implying that they weren’t actually in control of their actions or consented to any of this. And they were left to burn alive with the rest. And how do you think they are going to explain what happened to the police? They have to be involved when a college is set on fire. And that shot of Riley smiling at the sight just makes her seem like a psychopath.

Here is the best way I can show you the difference between the original and Blumhouse’s remake. Both share a scene of a character going to the police to report a disappearance of a friend. In the original, the place is full of people and a couple of officers trying their best to get through as many of them as possible. When the girl tells an officer about a missing friend, the officer suggests possible scenarios that in theory are plausible but continues to not fully listen to her. This could be interpreted as a form of sexism in not taking a woman’s claim seriously, it could be interpreted as just a busy officer going through as many people as he could on a busy night. But the movie leaves it open for how you view it. In the Blumhouse film, it is a completely empty station save for one police officer. She has his full attention. But when she tells him she thinks her missing friend is in danger, he just laughs and comes up with flimsy scenarios for what he thinks is going on. Are there officers in real life like this? I don’t doubt it. But it is on the nose and painfully obvious what the movie wants you to think.

This was a painful movie to watch. Not scary in the least. A lazily written story with uninteresting characters. Insane logic and twists that you have to laugh it in pity for the film. It’s frustrating on every level.